Keep walking.

She and I knew each other for about a decade, and in that time, we had shared so much. We had our relationships, and we were always happy for each other when we started them. There were inevitable breakups, and we were there for company as the other fell apart. There was drinking at work, cigarette breaks, quitting smoking, smoking again and fights. There were fights too, but they always worked out. She and I used to go to the beach once a month to decompress- just quick day trips that started early and ended late. Usually with our favorite beer and chinese food at that place near my house. She was the one with a car back then. It was stupid really; the time spent driving was just as much as the time spent on the beach. We didn't care.

Once I even had to take care of her when she was sick. She had moved into an apartment up the street from my house (I think she lives there still). She had a terrible headache, and she was in tears from the pain. I called almost-doctor friends, got medicine, and at one point, I massaged her temples for an hour, just so she could sleep. It was something other people- even couples- go for years without experiencing. People just assumed we were together. When we laughed and explained we weren't, they said we should have been. That always made us laugh more.

It had been about two years since I saw her last. I ran into her again yesterday evening, as she was coming home from work. We both said "Hi," and kept walking. We didn't even break our stride.

posted from Bloggeroid

On cooking and stuff

I have very recently noticed something about myself. I binge-cook. Whenever I feel bad about something, or have a general bad vibes-y streak, I cook. It doesn't really matter what it is I cook. A few weeks back, it was a massive batch of chili. My massive, I mean about a pound of beef, plus all the other stuff (rice, beans, tomatoes and anything else I could find). I had no intention of eating it right then and there, I just wanted to cook. (My cousin ate it all ALL shortly after, and got a massive case of indigestion.) A few days ago, it was another batch of stuffed pork chops. The other night, hamburgers. They all turned out pretty great, especially if my cousins are to be believed. They are the ones who have the most to gain from my cooking, being in highschool and always hungry.

The thing is, I have been cooking so goddamn much. Plus, by the time I'm doen, I really have no desire to eat what I made because at that point, I will have tasted and tweaked and tasted so much that I'm more or less full. The food all goes away in the end because of the cousins, so that's good. I sometimes find myself wondering if this is what I should be doing with my life; cooking. Maybe when I'm old.

posted from Bloggeroid

More food

Yesterday, Dad left to go back to Md with mom. It was a really fun 2 weeks. More fun than I thought I would have with dad, who can be pretty moody at times. I was really sad to see him go. I imagine, though, that he was sadder. The next time he may be able to come back with mom will be in 5 years, give or take, so it's gonna be a long string of winters. They have also moved to a new house, so things are going to be a bit different for him when he gets back Stateside, but he is a tough soldier (if a little moody, but I have already mentioned this.)

To cope with the semi-orphan status, I decided to make dinner for Marianne. The help resigned, so I'm the one manning the kitchen, and while there are two other houses in this compound at which to have meals, Marianne and I stay in the main house, so it's nice to have a meal here every so often.

I decided on making something I knew my cousin would like, but was not going to be difficult to make (with the added bonus of cleaning out the fridge in the process). Cottage pie was on the menu. I cheated a bit though. There was no ground beef, so I resorted to using Keilbasa, and whatever veg I could find. They turned out to be baby carrots and tomatoes. So some chopping, boiling, sizzling and mashing later, I managed a pretty good cottage pie. Dead simple, and super effective. Marianne loved it, and saved some to bring to school. It was a large batch, so there was some to spare.

This is what I love about cooking. It's such an easy thing to do. There are just a few basic things you need to know, and you don't have to spend too much time with it, but when you make it for family, for people you love, it always turns out so great. It's cheezy (coincidentally, like the top of my cottage pie) but it's true when they say food can bring people closer.

I really did miss having someone to cook for. I used to do a lot of the cooking when I was in relationships in the past. It's how I learned, more or less. There had always been something in the process. Making everything come together just right was something I liked taking extra time with, because I was making it for people that mattered to me. When I eat alone, it's pretty basic. Spam, rice, soup. Done. I'm low maintenance like that, so having someone there for whom to stretch out my culinary legs is a great (and now rare) treat, even if it is something as rudimentary as cottage pie. Maybe I should have done this sort of thing for a living.

posted from Bloggeroid

It's never really over, is it?

Or, another in the series of "Life give you curveballs."

It is never really over. Knowing that you were one something, and then suddenly nothing is the epitome of the proverbial punch in the gut. I didn't even want to be in that position anymore, and this hasn't changed, but knowing things move on is still a sharp kick in the 'nards. I know full well that things haven't changed, I know that I shouldn't (and ultimately, don't) care and that it means nothing to me, but I guess it is only natural to go through something like this. I still don't want to go back to it, I can't stress it enough. I made my mind up once, and that once was (and still is) enough.

I realize that I have done this to others, and in a worse way, I imagine. For that (those?) times, I apologize. It shouldn't matter to anybody, but it always stings, and it should. It's the human condition.

This is the sign I guess I may have been waiting for without even knowing it. In that sense, I am thankful. A punch in the gut, and a kick in the ass should be enough to get anyone going, myself included.

I have always given solid advice about these things, when asked, and now, seeing it from a different angle, I see that none of the advice really matters. What will be felt will be felt, and you just have to wait until the wounds heal. It takes a while, but that's how you know it wasn't a complete mistake. That's how you know you did it right, when you did. I knew it was coming, and I guess I have been getting ready, so I have that going for me.

So there is no bad blood, or jealousy or longing. If I hadn't said it before, or hadn't said it enough: Goodbye and good luck. I mean it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Because I have been listening to one song on repeat

The beauty of music is how it is able to induce emotions. Induction is exactly how it works. It causes emotions to flow and ebb without really coming in direct contact with us. Music never really does, I think. At least not in my case. I never really come into contact with it. It's always just a passing through, even when I am playing it or singing it. Wells up from somewhere just beside and goes wherever it will. This is another thing that makes music so beautiful. You can never really hold it, you can't pin it down and it never really stays in one place. It takes effort and concentrations to produce it, and yet whene things are going well, and you're listening to something or playing a piece that's going well, it feels totally effortless and seems to just happen. I realize the contradiction here, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I think this is why I fell in love with music in the first place. There was something about all the effort, all the practice you put into it, and the sudden disappearance of that effort into a living thing that is just short of self-sustaining, just outside yourself. Something that is yours, of your mind, but is also its own.

It was never an escape for me. I never really had anything to escape from. I think it had always been an admiration of beauty. It's being drawn, hypnotized, to beauty. You must look, you have to. You can try to fight it, but you are always always drawn back. Like looking at your lover from across a crowded room in longing admiration. You may know that this isn't the first time these feelings were felt for her (they may not even be the last), but they are yours for that moment and yours alone. You know that there are those secrets that only you and her know, and memories that only you and her share. It is a feeling for something so other, and at the same time, extremely personal in a way that cannot easily be explained to anyone else. This is exactly how I feel when I listen to a beautiful piece of music. It happens every time I do, and I love it all the more for that.

posted from Bloggeroid

Manila. Woo.

I am back home, sort of. I'm not entirely back, I think. I didn't want to leave in the first place. Palawan is such a beautiful place, with so much to see and experience that four days is hardly enough to scratch the surface of things to try. I don't usually make plans for vacations, preferring instead to let them happen naturally, (oddly enough, they do) but Palawan now has a hold on me. I have to go back. I don't even mind doing the same things over. I just have to get back there. It's just that great.

It was just the thing I needed to clear my mind from all the crud that had built up over the last months. Everything is a brighter, more vivid shade of blue now.

Not everything went to plan, though. The last whole day saw me in bed because of a sudden stomach bug that left me weak and unable to eat. I also lost a jacket. (Taks did the same. We think poobrain caused this) I don't really care about those things so much though. It was totally worth it to have seen the things I did.

It was also nice to make new friends. Hi Kelly. I hope you made it to that other island you were talking about.

If, for one reason or another, you are reading this blog, I implore you to go there. It doesn't matter if you have to borrow, beg or steal, you HAVE to go. You will not regret a single second.

Like I said, though, I am back. While travel is great, there is still no place like home.

posted from Bloggeroid

Palawan, Yeaaaaaah.

I am in Palawan (or WAS in Palawan, depending on the status of my internet connection). This is the first trip I have gone on since the whole Cebu debacle, and I have to admit, it's something I needed to do; get out of town on my own again. The last time I went out on my own was the trip back home from Cebu, and that is something I'd rather put behind me.

Anyway, Palawan is all sorts of awesome. The Underground River was really something. Words will fall short in trying to describe exactly how awesome it is. I say awesome not in the flippant, casual sense, but with full effect, insipring silent awe. It's amazing to think about what the earth has gone through to result in that. It makes everything EVERYTHING seem utterly insignificant. All things pale in comparison to how those caves were formed.

Snorkelling was fun as well. We had several hours of underwater time the other day, and it was worth every second. It gave me a whole new appreciation for the beauty of our country, and a little regret at not having done more of this in the past.

There wasn't much time to spend alone, however. I was hoping to be able to sit and read, maybe reflect a little about everything. Still, it is a fun trip, and one I don't regret taking in the least.

posted from Bloggeroid

We're gonna party like it's 90

I just got back from my Lola's 90th Birthday bash. It was so very large. I think something like 300+ guests were there. It was insane. The party was pretty run-of-the-mill, but what was going on behind it made me stop and take stock of things.

I'm really thankful that my Dad-Lola is 90. My Mom-Lola died last December at just a bit short of 85, so that isn't too shabby either. That isn't the only reason I feel incredibly luky. I have also had the good fortune to see all my aunts and uncles from both sides, all together with their respective siblings. All of them. Bar none. This has never happened before. I'm very happy for each of my families as well.

While Mom's brothers and sisters were all together for Mom-lola's 80th birthday, they have not spent a Christmas together in 25 years. While it is very sad that my Lola wasn't there to be with them, I'm sure it was still something for the rest of them to be together as a family, particularly at that time. I honestly get a little teary-eyed thinking about it. But in a manly way.

It's even more awesome for my Dad's side. Some of the siblings had not seen each other in well over two and a half decades until this evening. There are eleven of them. It was a hell of a reunion, and one that was made even sweeter by the fact that their mom is 90 years old, and still stronger than many 70 year-olds that I know. I have not spent as much time with her as I did with my other Lola, but when she arrived, her first words to me and the manner in which she said them (A deeply, deeply affectionate "Ay, ang aking apo!") were the sweetest I have ever heard from anyone ever. I get teary-eyed at that too, this time in a truly "apo" way.

I haven't really been one for family. Being an only child with a more or less absentee family has made me this way, but after this much time with this much family in such short order, I think I have been wrong to try going solo all this time. Family is important, and I'm so glad I have finally learned that.

posted from Bloggeroid

It's gonna be a long day

Just a few hours in, and I already know today is gonna be one of those days.

Number One: I need to get the car fixed. It has been making a grindy sound when I turn, and I suspect some wheel bearings may be shot. This isn't particularly difficult of expensive to repair, but I do have to get the parts myself.

Number Two: I need a shirt. I left most of my clothes in Cebu, and have only (very) slowly started to rebuild my wardrobe. The thing is, I need something a bit better than my usual fare for....

Number Three: My Lola's 90th Birthday. It's this evening, and I of course, have to go. Fortunately, it won't be too swanky, and all I have to do is find a decent long-sleeved button-down, and I should be ok. At least the shindig is just in QC. On a sidenote, I miss my shirts.

Number Four: I'm leaving for Palawan in the morning. There are still a few things I need to take care of for that. I don't have many of the supplies I will need for that. I can't find my sunblock, snorkel, rashguards and some other beach things. Plus, I have to pack.

I realize it isn't such a long list, but the things I have to do require me to focus on those things, and won't allow me to double up (do one thing while another thing is being taken care of). Time to get a move on.

posted from Bloggeroid

Just when I thought I had things figured out.

I dreamt about my lola today.

My grandmother died almost two months ago. She was 85. It made sense that she passed away when she did. She lived a long, fruitful life, with 7 kids and 16 grandchildren. I didn't cry when I found out that she had passed. I was just glad she was no longer suffering the pain that had plagued her for years.

It all made sense. I had all my feelings about it figured out, sorted and out away. Boy, was I wrong.

We didn't a;ways get along, she and I. In fact, there was a time that I avoided her entirely. This took effort, as we live (or, rather, LIVED, I should say) in the same house in the family compound. She wasn't always the most pleasant person to be with, to be honest. Many people will agree, and since I was basically the person who spent the most time around her, I knew this very well.She was my grandmother, though, and I loved her just the same, underneath all the issues.

I didn't get to visit her in the hospital befoore she died. I could have, but I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to see her, particularly when I learned that she was hooked up to all those machines. I should have been ok with it. We weren't that close anymore really, and it wasn't a shock that she was in there, but I didn't want to see her that way. She was always the proud, headstrong, stubborn lola I had known, and I didn't want to see her any other way, even if those were the things I really hated about her sometimes.

I do regret this. I don't know if she would have recognized me if I did show up, but I regret not showing up for my sake.

posted from Bloggeroid

Quiz night: The saga continues.

Having a guest over at quiz night made me see myself and my friends through new eyes last night. The verdict is clear: I am a nerd. This is the conclusion I have arrived at after seeing how I act around the quiz night people (my team and other pals from that circle). Yes, I have passed judgement on myself, but I believe it to be correct and valid, which makes it just that little bit sadder. The thing is, I have tried observing myself in situations with other groups such as the airsoft guys, and my highschool friends, and I tend to be vastly different. I am aware that self-observation in a social context doesn't necessarily yeild the most unbiased results, but little, objective things, like the context of the jokes I crack, the way I carry myself and other little things like that are clear.

I don't mind that I am this way, though it does make me wonder just how much other people change when around different groups of friends. I know one or two people that don't seem to change at all. Granted, the observation isn't really scientific, but from what I can gather, they are pretty much fixed in their behavior.

I would like to believe that there are some things with which I am consistent across different groups of people. I'd like to think I keep my manners about me, for example; but I suppose there has to be room to change according to the company one is currently with. It's nice to see how flexible something as seemingly rigid as personality is. I guess it's one of the things that makes being a person so interesting.


In other news (Hey, that's the title of my blog!) As we were making our way home last night, I ran a red light and got my license confiscated. This is because I have poo-brain when driving around Makati, and so was more concerned about finding a familiar route to Parañaque than worrying about driving safety. I am glad I didn't have an accident, and even more glad that the traffic cop who caught my negligent ass was a really nice guy. Mitzi, you are right, driving in the south is measurably nicer than doing so in the north. I just gotta watch out for those traffic lights.

posted from Bloggeroid

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

Life has a way of catching people off-guard, and when it does, the results are not often pleasant. Thanks for the curveball, universe. Really, you shouldn't have. Really.

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It all works out in the end

To my friend, who has recently been shaken, beaten then turned upside-down and inside-out by the various things happening in places where they seem like they shouldn't happen: You are still standing, and you will stay that way unless you choose to let things take you down. You are strong. I know you know this, but it bears repeating, and I hope hearing it from someone who believes it helps. If it gets to be more than you can bear alone, drop me a line. We only children have to stick together.

posted from Bloggeroid

The brotherhood of the travelling fats

I just received word from a good friend and cousin, Taks, that I have been invited to tag along with him to Palawan for work, in order to keep him company. This is awesomesauce. I have not been to Palawan, and I have long wanted to go. There is a little problem. I have gotten a little chunkier than I would like over the Christmas break. Now, I haven't totally let myself go. I am still well within the healthy BMI range, and I still have my agility, but I'm not completely cool with the extra few pounds.

So begins the great belly purge of 2012. I've gotten the running going, along with the cycling and core training. On top of this, there will be calorie restriction. This is the part I am looking forward to the least, but you gotta do what you gotta do. There will be so much tea involved in this.

Now, I know this isn't the best way to go about it, but, as with everything else I have ever started and made stick, this needs a solid kick to get going. Let's hope it doesn't backfire or anything. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? HAHAHA.

posted from Bloggeroid

I came back for the music, man.

I haven't really listened to or played music in an unusally long time. There really wasn't a point, or maybe I just didn't have the drive to do so. So I picked up a guitar again with the express desire to play like I used to, and man, is it hard. Things I used to know and things I used to do have slipped, and I don't really have them anymore. All that time spent getting out of that rut I was in has caused so many things to sowly erode. I'm thankful it didn't get to the point where irreversible damage was done, or really important things were lost.

I think this is an important part of getting back in gear; reclaiming things that I had lost. I know there's more to it than that. Maybe I'm in there somewhere amidst the rubble of broken things that got left behind. It's nice though, digging around, looking for things like that. There are aways nice little surprises you find; memories, feeings, ideas dusted over from the passing of time. What's really great, though, is the fact that I'm still here, bruised and scarred, but more or less intact, so rebuild. I did come back for the music, but I hope to leave with much more than just that.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hey

It's gonna be OK. Everything works out in the end. You just can't skip to the credits, that's all.

Because there really isn't anything to do at this hour.

It's nice to have gotten warmed up to the whole blogging thing. Having an actual, physical keyboard has done a lot to make the process a lot smoother, though next on the shopping list has got to be an actual PC. Android is awesome in so many ways, but I do miss having multiple windows open to do more stuff all at once. On the bright side, I guess this is teaching me to focus, which is something I haven't always been very good at.

Tomorrow, there will be airsoft. It's going to mess with the jogging a bit, but I get to run AND shoot guns at people, so I guess it works out ok. It'll be nice to let out a little pent-up rage tomorrow, weather permitting.

posted from Bloggeroid

Blast from the past

I have been digging through old articles I wrote in my time as a journalist, and I came across one piece I came up with in 2007, talking about the things that would maybe be big in the next year:

"Twitter

Admit it. You've tried blogging at one point or another. It's ok, so have we. And just like you, we found it fun, at least for a while. But there are times when what we want to write about are really interesting but just too short to be worth the trouble of logging in to the blog site, and going through the whole process of actually making an entry. So for those who want to blog on the go, without all the fuss of regular blogging, there's twitter. Think of it as microblogging. You can create posts the old fashioned way, or through Instant messaging and even SMS. Updates are then sent to those people who are subscribed to see all your new posts. Messages are limited to a short 140 characters, and only work with text(no images) but it's probably the easiest way to blog and stay connected to a whole world of users, hands down. Got just a few minutes between a stressful string of deadlines? Forget blogging, give a little twitter and see how far it goes."

 Yup. I called Twitter.

Some other things were a little off (Sugar-powered fuel cells for mobile devices), but it's nice to see that I got something right.

Being human is a pretty complicated business

(These are thernaway thoughts that have been building since that night I spent watchng the new year come around)

I mean, really. There's so much you have to deal with as a person n your own, PLUS there are the added complications brought about by other people who havent figured their OWN shit out. As a bonus, everyone gets just one lifetime to get things down pat.

Now, please don't get me wrong. I like existing, and I'm not complaining. I have a relatively comfortable life. I have friends that love me and a family that loves me even more, inspite of myself. I just feel the need to put these thoughts into words for fear that they stay inside and fester into something far more harmful that a wordy rant. The absurdity of it all has to be let out, because people have to realilze; I have to realize, that I can't possibly be the only one who feels this way.

Some people have it all figured out, or at least it seems this way. Whether it is because of themselves, their god or their firm conviction that everything worksout in the end, only they wil know. I think these people are pretty cool, and I hope to have that faith in Everything, too, but for now, what I have going for me is that desire to take control of things. That seems like a pretty good place to start. So here's to hoping, taking charge, and making things happen.

posted from Bloggeroid

Yeah, about that.

Along with the getting older and because of the particularly large crowd that ended up populating the house last Christmas thanks to all of my aunts and uncles coming home, I have found, much to my horror, that I have put on some pounds. This is unusual. I have never really had that happen to me in the past. Maybe it has to do with the funk that I have only recently pulled myself out of, but I now weigh in at close to 140 pounds. This isn't fat or anything, at least not yet. If BMI is still something to go by, I'm still apparently within the ideal weight bracket, but at this rate, I will technically be fat before too long.

It is time to get fit. The bike has gotten dusty, and my running shoes need a good workout. Too, so I think maybe it is time to schedule morning runs again. Mark my words, I will start hitting the pavement again. AND I WILL START IN THE MORNING! This will also give me back the edge I used to have in airsoft. I have been skipping games due to a knee problem, but now that that's ok, I no longer have a legit excuse to not play. When last I did play,however, I felt really slow, like syrup making its way down a stack of pancakes. Interestingly enough, I also felt like eating a stack of pancakes that day, right after the game. What the hell is wrong with me?

So yes. Getting back into shape is one of the big things I need to take care of this year. This goal will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.

posted from Bloggeroid

Finally. An actual keyboard, and other news.

Allow me to start with a small confession: I have noot been making any posts because it is exceedingly difficult to do so without a computer. The previous posts I have managed to squeak out have been thruogh my tablet and iPhone. As you may imagine, making lengthy posts using virtual keyboards is not the most pleasant thing in the world. Add this to the already difficult act (for me) of coming up with posts in the first place, and you have the pefect storm for non-posting.
Fortunately, I have just received a bluetooth keyboard from my uncle. This is great, as apart from having a new toy to fiddle around with, I can make posts. With a little more ease, even without a relacement pc.

Unfortunately, the reason my uncle donated said keyboard to me is that he had gotten so fed up with it, he no longer wanted to own the damn thing. I can totally see why. But anyway, this is what I have, so this is what I will use.

On to the meat of this post. I haven't really picked out a solid topic to write about, and right now, I am still just warming up after not having written anything for a good amount of time, so maybe I should start with something light. Music. This wll be rather self-indulgent, so feel free to look away now.

Since my discovery of the wonderful world of music late in my childhood (it was probably late gradeschool that I started making conscious, informed decisions as to the music I listened to), I have been into music in a very big way. I have loads and loads of albums in my library, I learned to play musical instruments, took voice lessons and even joined a band. While I was working, I was given the chance to start a whole new section devoted to music in the magazine I was writing for at the time. I constantly have music playing (though admittedly, it is sometimes just in my head) and I can usually name tunes in a few short bars. I know my share of obscure bands and songs, and I'm always happy to share all of it.

I noticed something recently though. I hadn't listened to anything new in a pretty long time. Upon trying to figure out exactly when this started, I was startled to find that I had no clear idea. It just sort of stopped happening. I then tried to recall the last time I hadpicked up a guitar, and I couldn't remember that either. It was just like everything stopped. I wasn't even listening to music anymore. What music I did have on my person was a confused mix of unrelated drivel that accumulated on my music players throughout the years, and this terrified me.

Let me get something straight. It wasn't the disappearance of music that got me worried; not exactly. It was more that I don't remember missing it. Something that was such a big part of who I was (or who I believed I was) just up and left. It is a combination of suddenly being aware that it could happen, and not noticing that it had already happened that I found so unsettling. And if it could happen to that, it could happen to anything and anyone in my life. This is a sobering thing to realize. Maybe it happened when I broke. Maybe that was me trying to keep everthing that was I could, but seeing as there wasn't much space, some things had to be dropped.

There comes a point though, or at least there should come a point, that all this,I dunno, extended melancholy, has to pass and you have to get moving again. So as I write this, I'm listening to some new music, trying to get that lost part back. The music going away might not have been the disease, I realize. Like the canary in the mine, it serves as a warning that something may be wrong,and you gotta take a look around real quick before you croak, yourself.

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Just testing new settings.

Hello? Is this thing on?

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